"If you were a member of Jesse James’s band and people asked you what you were, you wouldn’t say ‘Well, I’m a desperado.’ You’d say something like, ‘I work in banks,’ or ‘I’ve done some railroad work.’ It took me a long time just to say ‘I’m a writer.’ It’s really embarrassing."
— Roy Blount, Jr. (via thisisnottechwriting)
In Which Our Heroes Rent a Cottage on Bobs Lake (Part Two)

Day the Third: In Which Everyone Cries Wolf

[Nightime. Julia is brushing her teeth in the bathroom] 

<SOUND OF DYING ANIMAL SCREAMS OH MY GOD>

Julia: <mouth full of toothpaste> Mwah!

<Bryan rushes in, excited>

Bryan: Julia! There’s a wolf!

Julia: <mouth full of toothpaste> Mla? Whm fem gwa?!!

Bryan: I’m getting my night knife! Ah! <runs out>

<Julia, nervous, wanders out of bathroom to the deck>

Jette: It’s a wolf! This is awesome! <howls> A—WOOOOO!!!

Patterson: <nonplussed> Meh. That isn’t a wolf.

Julia: <mouth full of toothpaste> Mff peh ra jer? <spits out toothpaste> That sounded like a monster was being strangled by another monster. Was it really a wolf? If it was, it sounded all kinds of fucked up.

Bryan: I have my knife!

Jette: AH-WOOOOO!!!

Patterson: <rolls eyes> Guys, there’s no wolves here.

Julia: Wait, so, you’ve been screaming at all the spiders up here, all day long, but there’s a wolf and you’re just like “whateves”?

Patterson: <sighs disappointedly> Julia, the spiders are a dark reality. There’s no wolves in these woods. I’m also not currently afraid of dying in a car crash or contracting an STI.

Bryan: Because, unlike Tom, he brought condoms! Boom!

Intermission: Rules Enacted During Rounds of Kings

Kings is a drinking game in which you draw cards which have associated challenges, that result in you/others having to drink alcohol.

Figure A: Jette takes Kings really seriously.

What makes Kings great are the Rules. When you draw a Jack, you get to decree a law which inhibits all players. Obviously, breaking the law means you drink.

The List of Laws Decreed Over Kings:

  • It is forbidden to say the first or last names of any player

  • It is forbidden to use your right arm, unless you are making a drink

  • It is forbidden to stand, unless you are in the washroom, and the only witnesses are you and your living God

  • It is forbidden to utter a sentence without swears or blasphemes

  • It is forbidden to utter a sentence without also hand-talking

  • While taking a drink, you must do an impression of Julia or Patterson

  • You may only speak in an accent not your own

  • You may only speak in a Cockney accent

  • If Cynthia must drink, then all must drink

  • When taking a drink, you must touch Tom’s leg and stare soulfully in his eyes

  • Whenever any player must take a drink, then all must drink

Figure B: Kings is a proven method of bringing people together.



Day the Fourth: In Which Jette Absconds, But Is Replaced By Fresh Heroes

[Watching Jette drive away]

Julia: I can’t believe Jette left…

Bryan: I know…

Julia: …and took all the Star Trek DVDs with him…

[Cynthia and Soobrian show up]

Cynthia: Hi! Guys!

Julia: OhmygodCynthia! Don’t have sex with Tom!

Cynthia: <deeply surprised> ..I…I wasn’t…

Julia: Don’t! He didn’t bring condoms! No sex for him!

Cynthia: …why did YOU bring condoms to the cottage??

Julia: Because! You should ALWAYS have condoms! Girl Guides!

Bryan: Totally.

Patterson: Of course.

Julia: So, no matter what, you CANNOT sleep with Tom.

Cynthia: …I..yes? Okay?

Julia: IT IS FORBIDDEN!

Figure C: Bitch, I said no!

Intermission: Shit Patterson Said During the Week

<concerning Bryan’s hat> “Are we in a bakery? Because that shit is fucking fresh.”

<concerning the female menstrual cycle> “It’s like Eddy Veder said- some girls get really heavy ones, while some have more of an Even Flow.”

<concerning Soobrian enjoying the occasional Labatt Blue> “Is this like when pregnant women eat dirt?”

Figure D: Patterson: “That shit is the last thing a virgin sees while she’s still a virgin.”

Day the Fifth: Further Adventures in Animal Noises

[Noon, Julia remains half-asleep]

Bryan: Hey. Jackass. You missed pancakes.

Julia: What?! That’s bullshit!

Bryan: Yeah, no one wanted to wake you up. You’re like a mother-fucking bear. And everyone here has seen The Edge.

Julia: I’m not like a bear! I’m like a little cub! Just straight up chillin’.

Bryan: No fucking way. Cubs just dance around all day going “moo moo moo”. You’re a scary- ass bear.

Julia: …”moo” is not the sound that bear cubs make.

Bryan: Are you retarded? Of course cubs fucking “moo”.

[Tom is teaching Bryan how to roll a joint]

Tom: So, you hold it in like a vee shape and then…what’s that guy in Ghost?

Bryan: …Patrick Swayze?

Tom: Yeah! You should roll like that guy!

Bryan: …I should roll joints like I’m a dead guy feeling up a chick while she tries to make clay pots?

Tom: Yeah!

[Our heroes go for yet another night swim]

Tom: Fuck! We should have brought booze down here!

Cynthia: ! I’ll go! What do we want??

Tom: The bottle of Jack Daniels!

Cynthia: So, and glasses? And mix?

All: Just the bottle!!

Cynthia: …really? Are.. are you sure??

All: ARE WE NOT MEN!?

Julia: And shake that ass while you go! Woo!

Cynthia: <shakes that ass>

Bryan: Hey, you can’t talk about Cynthia like that in front of Soobrian.

Julia: What? Why?

Bryan: It’s …weird. He’s right there!

Soobrian: <waves>

Julia: That’s bullshit. I talk about how Soobrian is hot to Cynthia all the time. Why is it weird? And Cynthia IS hot. It’s not like Soobrian doesn’t know.

Soobrian: It’s true. I totally know.

[Later]

Julia: <points at Bryan> Jesus, check out fucking Triton over there. I’ve never seen someone swim towards a girl and offer her a frosty bottle of Jack. Bryan’s like a fucking bar-mer-man.

    Figure E: What Soobrian didn’t know is that this same bottle of Jack would lead to WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY ABOUT SEX WITH TOM.

In Which Our Heroes Rent a Cottage on Bobs Lake (Part One)

Introduction

Hello, reader. The following is meant to be…a homage to our week at the cottage. Obviously, I’m not going to write about everything that happened. That would be gruesomely boring. And I had to guestimate some of the conversations, because, well…drinking.

Before we begin, there’s one thing that needs explaining:

The Star Trek: The Next Generation Cottage Drinking Game

  • Data says “theoretically” or “in theory”: drink

  • Girl walks by in crazy-short Fleet-issued jumper (first season only): drink

  • Boobs!: drink

  • Michael Bay-inspired upward camera angle shot: drink

  • While on a planet, anyone does a rolling dive: drink

  • While on planet, anyone finds a chest-high wall, and hides behind it: drink

  • Bullshit sub-plot created so that away team must remain on-planet: complain

  • Unnecessary sexual tension: drink

  • Riker does something soulful: drink

  • Riker gets laid: drink

  • Riker has his shirt open, or completely off: drink

  • Picard has his shirt open, or completely off: drink

  • Picard whispers: drink

  • Picard loses his shit: drink

  • Picard punches a guy: finish your drink

  • A single line of dialogue fixes a huge problem: drink while sounding exasperated

  • Wesley solves a problem that none of the actual officers could, in under 5 minutes: drink

  • Picard (or any crew member) does the Picard shirt-fix: drink

  • An epic speech is delivered: drink

  • Whenever a crewmember says something which inspires you: drink, while shouting “I’ll drink to that!”

In those first three days, we watched a lot of Star Trek. This led to the renaming of the cottage:

  • Kitchen/Living Room: The Bridge
  • Bedrooms: Quarters
  • The Scary Cellar Under the Cottage Where the Beer Fridge Was: Engineering
  • The Lovely Secondary Dock Over-Looking the Lake: 10-Forward
  • The Main Dock: Shuttle Bay
  • The Screened-In Patio What Was Home to Many Spiders: Holodeck (as it was full of terror and whimsy)

And her players:

  • Tom: Riker (sexy, soulful, hirsute)
  • Julia: Worf (always mad, house full of weapons)
  • Patterson: Data (obvious)
  • Jette: Tasha Yar (due to leaving before other crewmembers)
  • Bryan: Q (evil, abuses power)
  • Soobrian: contested- first Guinan, then Barcley. Later gets redubbed Wesley.
  • Cynthia: Dr. Crusher (kinda gingery, takes care of people)

Day the First: In Which Star Wars Trivial Pursuit Destroys Friendships

We have agreed to never, ever discuss Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. Here is the one picture I took:

Figure 1: While R2D2 sits patiently, waiting to generate random numbers, Bryan clearly wants to smack Tom.

Day the Second: Having Recovered From Star Wars Trivial Pursuit, Our Heroes Rally

[On the way to Sharbot Lake, to stock up on supplies]

Bryan: Of COURSE I brought condoms.

Julia: I packed like a shit-load.

Patterson: Eh, I try to always have a few on hand.

[Ed. note: At this moment, Jette is driving his Porsche Cayenne Turbo on hilly gravel roads, at about 70km/h.]

Jette: Rally!

Tom: Why on earth would you bring condoms to the cottage?! There’s no one to sleep with!

Julia: You don’t know that.

Tom: I DO know that! Right now, it’s four guys and Julia.

Bryan: Whose basically a dude.

Julia: Totally.

Tom: So, again, WHY WOULD I HAVE PACKED CONDOMS.

Jette: Dude, who knows what we’ll find in Sharbot Lake. They must have girls there.

Tom: We are NOT going to pick up in Sharbot Lake.

Julia: Not with that attitude. I hereby forbid anyone from having sex with Tom for the remainder of the week!

Bryan: Agreed!

Patterson: Agreed.

Jette: <kicks his Porsche up to 110>

[At the Bridge, Julia isn’t drunk yet]

Jette: What the fuck! How are you not drunk yet?! You need to man up!

Julia: Eh, I’m not a dude.

Jette: Well, you need to start acting more scandalous!

Julia: What, like I should act like a floozy?

Jette: Yeah! You need to flooze up! Come on! You’re better than this!

[While in the lake, swimming at night]

Jette: It is completely possible to jump into the lake, with an open beer, and not get any water in your beer.

All: Bullshit! It can’t be done!

Jette: Look, I used to teach camp. I am going to jump in this lake, only go up to shoulders, and enjoy a delicious lake-free beer!

<Jette runs across Shuttle Bay, jumps in the lake, legs spread wide, like a floozy>

Jette: BOOM. Totally nailed it.

Bryan: You’re fucking hair is wet.

Julia: This is why Toronto will never get the Olympics.

[to be continued…]

In Which Julia and Bryan Talk About Getting Checked Out

(Our heroes are walking down St. Catherine Street, heading West)

Bryan:…so, is there a “type” of girl who checks me out?

Julia: What? Is all girls a “type”? It’s faster to say “all girls.”

Bryan: No, but really-when girls check me out, is there a “type?”

Julia: Like, you want to know if mousey and/or ugly girls check you out? I can’t possibly know that.

Bryan: Really? Why?

Julia: Because I can’t see mousey girls. It’s like they are wearing camo. Or “Where’s Waldo” glasses.

Bryan: What about fat chicks? Can you see fat chicks?

Julia: Oof, yeah, well I more sense fat chicks, like how you can hear the bus coming.

Bryan: ….

Julia: But anyway, I’m only going to really notice if a girl is checking you out in one of three scenarios:

     1. I was checking that girl out and noticed she was checking you out.

     2. A girl I am trying to attain a service from (coffee, clothing, groceries) is                   not rendering said service because they are looking at you.

   3. Random chance.

So, the schematic is skewed.

Bryan: Can more than one scenario happen at once?

Julia: …I suppose that I could be checking out a girl who is also rendering me a service. Oh! I forgot about “double-takes!”

    4. Which occurs when a girl double-takes so fast I notice the disturbance in the air.

Bryan: I love this conversation.

Julia: Eh, it’s just truth-facts.

Bryan: I wish I could somehow harness this power.

Julia: Like, into green energy? Instead of windmills cluttering up the skyline there would just be 10-foot billboards of your face? Or just a single leg, bare, arching over all street-lights? Get ladies to rev their engines?

Bryan: This is getting weird.

Julia: Hey, don’t lead me to rivers if you don’t want me to fish.

Bryan: …for absurd imagery? I don’t think that’s a licensed trade…Julia?

Julia: …..

Bryan: Hey! I KNOW what you’re doing!

Julia: ?

Bryan: You were checking me out in your mind!

Julia: …Oh, lock it up, princess.

Washington Post: Q. Family Radio evangelist Harold Camping believes that he has calculated the exact date of the rapture: May 21, 2011. While many are laughing at the suggestion, Camping’s followers are taking him seriously, bringing his message of impending doom to billboards and public spaces around the country. What does your tradition teach about the end of the world? How does end time theology impact real world behavior? Richard Dawkins: A. Why is a serious newspaper like the Washington Post giving space to a raving loon? I suppose the answer must be that, unlike the average loon, this one has managed to raise enough money to launch a radio station and pay for billboards. I don’t know where he gets the money, but it would be no surprise to discover that it is contributed by gullible followers – gullible enough, we may guess, to go along with him when he will inevitably explain, on May 22nd, that there must have been some error in the calculation, the rapture is postponed to &#8230; and please send more money to pay for updated billboards. So, the question becomes, why are there so many well-heeled, gullible idiots out there? Why is it that an idea can be as nuts as you like and still con enough backers to finance its advertising to acquire yet more backers &#8230; until eventually a national newspaper notices and makes it into a silly season filler? I won’t waste any more time on that, but I do want to mention a less trivial point arising from the question posed by the Washington Post: ‘What does your tradition teach about the end of the world?’ It’s that word ‘tradition’ that should raise our critical hackles. It refers to a collection of beliefs handed down through generations – as opposed to beliefs founded on evidence. Evidence-free beliefs are, by definition, groundless. What my ‘tradition’ (or your ‘tradition’ or the Dalai Lama’s ‘tradition’ or Osama bin Laden’s ‘tradition’ or the bad-trip ‘tradition’ of whoever wrote Revelation) says about anything in the real world (including its end) is no more likely to be true than any urban legend, idle rumor, superstition, or science fiction novel. Yet, the moment you slap the word ‘tradition’ onto a made-up story you confer on it a spurious dignity, which we are solemnly asked to ‘respect’. Science is not a tradition, it is the organized use of evidence from the real world to make inferences about the real world – meaning the real universe, which is, in Carl Sagan’s words, all that is, or ever was, or ever will be. Science knows approximately how, and when, our Earth will end. In about five billion years the sun will run out of hydrogen, which will upset its self-regulating equilibrium; in its death-throes it will swell, and this planet will vaporise. Before that, we can expect, at unpredictable intervals measured in tens of millions of years, bombardment by dangerously large meteors or comets. Any one of these impacts could be catastrophic enough to destroy all life, as the one that killed the dinosaurs 65 million years ago nearly did. In the nearer future, it is pretty likely that human life will become extinct – the fate of almost all species that have ever lived. In our case, as the distinguished astronomer and former president of the Royal Society Martin Rees has conjectured, extinction is likely to be self-inflicted. Destructive technology becomes more powerful by the decade, and there is an ever-increasing danger that it will fall into the hands of some holy fool (Ian McEwan’s memorable phrase) whose ‘tradition’ glorifies death and longs for the hereafter: a ‘tradition’ which, not content with forecasting the end of the world, actively seeks to bring it about. However it happens, the end of the world will be a parochial little affair, unnoticed in the universe at large. The end of the universe itself is a matter of current debate among physicists, a debate that I recommend as providing a salutary, long-term, humbling perspective on human preoccupations and follies. Snip snap. Dawkins. What a fucking rockstar.  - B

Washington Post:

Q. Family Radio evangelist Harold Camping believes that he has calculated the exact date of the rapture: May 21, 2011. While many are laughing at the suggestion, Camping’s followers are taking him seriously, bringing his message of impending doom to billboards and public spaces around the country. What does your tradition teach about the end of the world? How does end time theology impact real world behavior?

Richard Dawkins:

A. Why is a serious newspaper like the Washington Post giving space to a raving loon? I suppose the answer must be that, unlike the average loon, this one has managed to raise enough money to launch a radio station and pay for billboards. I don’t know where he gets the money, but it would be no surprise to discover that it is contributed by gullible followers – gullible enough, we may guess, to go along with him when he will inevitably explain, on May 22nd, that there must have been some error in the calculation, the rapture is postponed to … and please send more money to pay for updated billboards.

So, the question becomes, why are there so many well-heeled, gullible idiots out there? Why is it that an idea can be as nuts as you like and still con enough backers to finance its advertising to acquire yet more backers … until eventually a national newspaper notices and makes it into a silly season filler?

I won’t waste any more time on that, but I do want to mention a less trivial point arising from the question posed by the Washington Post: ‘What does your tradition teach about the end of the world?’ It’s that word ‘tradition’ that should raise our critical hackles. It refers to a collection of beliefs handed down through generations – as opposed to beliefs founded on evidence. Evidence-free beliefs are, by definition, groundless. What my ‘tradition’ (or your ‘tradition’ or the Dalai Lama’s ‘tradition’ or Osama bin Laden’s ‘tradition’ or the bad-trip ‘tradition’ of whoever wrote Revelation) says about anything in the real world (including its end) is no more likely to be true than any urban legend, idle rumor, superstition, or science fiction novel. Yet, the moment you slap the word ‘tradition’ onto a made-up story you confer on it a spurious dignity, which we are solemnly asked to ‘respect’.

Science is not a tradition, it is the organized use of evidence from the real world to make inferences about the real world – meaning the real universe, which is, in Carl Sagan’s words, all that is, or ever was, or ever will be. Science knows approximately how, and when, our Earth will end. In about five billion years the sun will run out of hydrogen, which will upset its self-regulating equilibrium; in its death-throes it will swell, and this planet will vaporise. Before that, we can expect, at unpredictable intervals measured in tens of millions of years, bombardment by dangerously large meteors or comets. Any one of these impacts could be catastrophic enough to destroy all life, as the one that killed the dinosaurs 65 million years ago nearly did. In the nearer future, it is pretty likely that human life will become extinct – the fate of almost all species that have ever lived.

In our case, as the distinguished astronomer and former president of the Royal Society Martin Rees has conjectured, extinction is likely to be self-inflicted. Destructive technology becomes more powerful by the decade, and there is an ever-increasing danger that it will fall into the hands of some holy fool (Ian McEwan’s memorable phrase) whose ‘tradition’ glorifies death and longs for the hereafter: a ‘tradition’ which, not content with forecasting the end of the world, actively seeks to bring it about.

However it happens, the end of the world will be a parochial little affair, unnoticed in the universe at large. The end of the universe itself is a matter of current debate among physicists, a debate that I recommend as providing a salutary, long-term, humbling perspective on human preoccupations and follies.

Snip snap.

Dawkins. What a fucking rockstar. 

- B

&#8220;Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons. Behold! The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.   I have been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It&#8217;s a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include: Capitalism, God&#8217;s way of determining who is smart, and who is poor. Crying, acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage! Poise! Property rights! Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable. Haircuts! There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?&#8221;  - Ron Swanson

“Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons. Behold! The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.  

I have been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It’s a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include: Capitalism, God’s way of determining who is smart, and who is poor. Crying, acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage! Poise! Property rights! Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable. Haircuts! There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?”  - Ron Swanson

Love. - B

Love.

- B

Applying for jobs with friends is always more fun. Unfortunately I don&#8217;t think he&#8217;s taking the hunt even remotely as seriously as I am. Unemployment inertia&#8230; It&#8217;s a silent, mildly smelly killer.  - B

Applying for jobs with friends is always more fun. Unfortunately I don’t think he’s taking the hunt even remotely as seriously as I am. Unemployment inertia… It’s a silent, mildly smelly killer. 

- B

Best of 2010 Albums LCD Soundsystem – This Is Happening It’s the final chapter of an epic trilogy of albums. Return of the Jedi, anyone? Frontman James Murphy has stated that it is also the group’s last. They played, one of, if not THE, best live show I’ve ever seen over the summer. To put it into perspective, The Roots, who I saw in the same venue in Montreal a few months later, were dreadful by comparison. It was flawless, including their brief rendition of Jay Z’s “Empire State of Mind” in the middle of “New York, I Love You.” This album, though incredible, only edged out Kanye by virtue of it’s standing as the third and, clearly, most mature album by the group. If, however, James Murphy decides to pull a George Lucas on us I’m reserving the right to retroactively bump my number 2 album of 2010 to number 1. 2. Kanye West – My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy As Zero Punctuation so eloquently put it, “Sometimes things are popular for a reason. Because they’re good. Or because Will Smith is in it.” To really put it into perspective, Chris “Gin Fillings” Billings, who wouldn’t be able to pick Kanye out of a lineup consisting of Ye, Jay Z, Drake, Andre 3000, and Diddy, said, and I quote, “Even I like the new Kanye.” Have you seen the video for “Power”? “ITS NOT A VIDEO, ITS A MOVING PAINTING” twats Kanye. And he’s right. The cultural and symbolic references are myriad, the sword of Damocles hanging above Ye’s head the entire time being my personal favourite. And then there’s the 35 minute movie-video “Runaway.” Directed by West it draws inspiration from Purple Rain, Thriller, Pink Floyd’s The Wall, Matisse, Picasso, Kubrick and Lagerfeld. While it falls flat at times, notably when Kanye has any lines whatsoever, it works as a whole. And lets not forget his GOOD Friday releases, where he dropped a track each week for months. Some of which didn’t make it to the album despite being solid enough to count amongst my favourite singles of the year. Someone actually told me “I don’t like him. I’m not going to listen to his new album because he was so rude to [that girl on that award show.].” Now don’t get me wrong. His lyrics could be better, his Tweets are laughable, and he’s clearly insane. Say what you will about his public persona, the man put out an album so fine that even Gin Fillings can appreciate. And he only likes Thrice. 3. Sleigh Bells – Treat 4. The National – High Violet 5. Arcade Fire – The Suburbs 6. Titus Andronicus – The Monitor 7. Crystal Castles – Crystal Castles 8. Deerhunter – Halcyon Digest 9. Beach House – Teen Dream 10. Hot Chip – One Life Stand 11. Black Keys – Brothers 12. Woodhands - Remorsecapade 13. Women – Public Strain 14. Gayngs – Relayted 15. Das Racist – Sit Down, Man 16. Janelle Monáe – The Archandroid 17. Caribou – Swim 18. Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti – Before Today 19. Gil Scott Heron – I’m New Here 20. Best Coast – Crazy For You 21. Yeaysayer – Odd Blood 22. Grinderman – Grinderman 2 23. Diamond Rings – Special Affectations 24. Vampire Weekend – Contra 25. Two Door Cinema Club – Tourist History Honourable Mentions: Foals – Total Life Forever, Joanna Newsom – Have One On Me, Crocodiles – Sleep Forever, No Age – Everything In Between, Warpaint – The Fool Singles (That do not appear in the top albums of the year) Cut Copy – Where I’m Going Kid Cudi, Best Coast, Rostam for Converse – All Summer Kayne West f. Common, Kid CuDi, Pusha T, Big Sean Charlie Wilson – Good Friday The Roots – The Fire Spoon – Written In Reverse Maximum Balloon – If You Return Chromeo – I’m Contagious The Radio Dept. – Heaven’s On Fire Mark Ronson – Bang Bang Bang Kid CuDi – Scott Mescudi Vs. The World Honourable Mentions: Rural Alberta Advantage – Stamp, La Roux featuring Kanye West – In For the Kill (Remix), Lady Ga Ga – Telephone (Yeah. Ga Ga. Get over it. Have you ever actually tried texting with a drink in your hand? Well let me tell you, it’s downright arduous. And she just, like, gets it, you know? And Beyonce’s there, too.) Covers Dirty Projectors – As I Went Out One Morning (Bob Dylan) The Kills – Pale Blue Eyes (Velvet Underground) Passion Pit – Tonight, Tonight (Smashing Pumpkins) Peter Gabriel – My Body Is A Cage (Arcade Fire) Grizzly Bear – Boy From School (Hot Chip) Band of Horses – Georgia (Ce-Lo) John Legend &amp; The Roots – Wake Up (Arcade Fire) Rural Alberta Advantage – Eye of the Tiger (Survivor) Hot Chip – She Wolf (Shakira) Gorillaz – Crystalized (The XX) Honourable Mentions: Cee Lo – No One’s Gonna Love You (Band of Horses) Movies Black Swan Exit Through The Gift Shop Winter’s Bone True Grit Inception Honourable Mentions: Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, The Social Network Books Freedom – Jonathan Franzen (But also read The Corrections. Seriously.) They Fight Like Soldiers, They Die Like Children – Romeo Dallaire The Authenticity Hoax – Andrew Potter Player One – Douglas Coupland Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk – David Sedaris Honourable Mentions: Wilson – Daniel Clowes, Antwerp – Roberto Bolano (Published in ENGLISH for the first time in 2010… Not sure if that counts. If it does it bumps to number 5. Not that I have a damn clue what it’s about after two reads, mind you.)  And A General Shout Out To: 1. The iPhone 4 - B

Best of 2010

Albums

  1. LCD Soundsystem – This Is Happening

It’s the final chapter of an epic trilogy of albums. Return of the Jedi, anyone? Frontman James Murphy has stated that it is also the group’s last. They played, one of, if not THE, best live show I’ve ever seen over the summer. To put it into perspective, The Roots, who I saw in the same venue in Montreal a few months later, were dreadful by comparison. It was flawless, including their brief rendition of Jay Z’s “Empire State of Mind” in the middle of “New York, I Love You.” This album, though incredible, only edged out Kanye by virtue of it’s standing as the third and, clearly, most mature album by the group. If, however, James Murphy decides to pull a George Lucas on us I’m reserving the right to retroactively bump my number 2 album of 2010 to number 1.

2. Kanye West – My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

As Zero Punctuation so eloquently put it, “Sometimes things are popular for a reason. Because they’re good. Or because Will Smith is in it.” To really put it into perspective, Chris “Gin Fillings” Billings, who wouldn’t be able to pick Kanye out of a lineup consisting of Ye, Jay Z, Drake, Andre 3000, and Diddy, said, and I quote, “Even I like the new Kanye.”

Have you seen the video for “Power”? “ITS NOT A VIDEO, ITS A MOVING PAINTING” twats Kanye. And he’s right. The cultural and symbolic references are myriad, the sword of Damocles hanging above Ye’s head the entire time being my personal favourite. And then there’s the 35 minute movie-video “Runaway.” Directed by West it draws inspiration from Purple Rain, Thriller, Pink Floyd’s The Wall, Matisse, Picasso, Kubrick and Lagerfeld. While it falls flat at times, notably when Kanye has any lines whatsoever, it works as a whole.

And lets not forget his GOOD Friday releases, where he dropped a track each week for months. Some of which didn’t make it to the album despite being solid enough to count amongst my favourite singles of the year.

Someone actually told me “I don’t like him. I’m not going to listen to his new album because he was so rude to [that girl on that award show.].” Now don’t get me wrong. His lyrics could be better, his Tweets are laughable, and he’s clearly insane. Say what you will about his public persona, the man put out an album so fine that even Gin Fillings can appreciate. And he only likes Thrice.

3. Sleigh Bells – Treat

4. The National – High Violet

5. Arcade Fire – The Suburbs

6. Titus Andronicus – The Monitor

7. Crystal Castles – Crystal Castles

8. Deerhunter – Halcyon Digest

9. Beach House – Teen Dream

10. Hot Chip – One Life Stand

11. Black Keys – Brothers

12. Woodhands - Remorsecapade

13. Women – Public Strain

14. Gayngs – Relayted

15. Das Racist – Sit Down, Man

16. Janelle Monáe – The Archandroid

17. Caribou – Swim

18. Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti – Before Today

19. Gil Scott Heron – I’m New Here

20. Best Coast – Crazy For You

21. Yeaysayer – Odd Blood

22. Grinderman – Grinderman 2

23. Diamond Rings – Special Affectations

24. Vampire Weekend – Contra

25. Two Door Cinema Club – Tourist History

Honourable Mentions: Foals – Total Life Forever, Joanna Newsom – Have One On Me, Crocodiles – Sleep Forever, No Age – Everything In Between, Warpaint – The Fool

Singles (That do not appear in the top albums of the year)

  1. Cut Copy – Where I’m Going
  2. Kid Cudi, Best Coast, Rostam for Converse – All Summer
  3. Kayne West f. Common, Kid CuDi, Pusha T, Big Sean Charlie Wilson – Good Friday
  4. The Roots – The Fire
  5. Spoon – Written In Reverse
  6. Maximum Balloon – If You Return
  7. Chromeo – I’m Contagious
  8. The Radio Dept. – Heaven’s On Fire
  9. Mark Ronson – Bang Bang Bang
  10. Kid CuDi – Scott Mescudi Vs. The World

Honourable Mentions: Rural Alberta Advantage – Stamp, La Roux featuring Kanye West – In For the Kill (Remix), Lady Ga Ga – Telephone (Yeah. Ga Ga. Get over it. Have you ever actually tried texting with a drink in your hand? Well let me tell you, it’s downright arduous. And she just, like, gets it, you know? And Beyonce’s there, too.)

Covers

  1. Dirty Projectors – As I Went Out One Morning (Bob Dylan)
  2. The Kills – Pale Blue Eyes (Velvet Underground)
  3. Passion Pit – Tonight, Tonight (Smashing Pumpkins)
  4. Peter Gabriel – My Body Is A Cage (Arcade Fire)
  5. Grizzly Bear – Boy From School (Hot Chip)
  6. Band of Horses – Georgia (Ce-Lo)
  7. John Legend & The Roots – Wake Up (Arcade Fire)
  8. Rural Alberta Advantage – Eye of the Tiger (Survivor)
  9. Hot Chip – She Wolf (Shakira)
  10. Gorillaz – Crystalized (The XX)

Honourable Mentions: Cee Lo – No One’s Gonna Love You (Band of Horses)

Movies

  1. Black Swan
  2. Exit Through The Gift Shop
  3. Winter’s Bone
  4. True Grit
  5. Inception

Honourable Mentions: Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, The Social Network

Books

  1. Freedom – Jonathan Franzen (But also read The Corrections. Seriously.)
  2. They Fight Like Soldiers, They Die Like Children – Romeo Dallaire
  3. The Authenticity Hoax – Andrew Potter
  4. Player One – Douglas Coupland
  5. Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk – David Sedaris

Honourable Mentions: Wilson – Daniel Clowes, Antwerp – Roberto Bolano (Published in ENGLISH for the first time in 2010… Not sure if that counts. If it does it bumps to number 5. Not that I have a damn clue what it’s about after two reads, mind you.) 

And A General Shout Out To:

1. The iPhone 4

- B

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