Introduction

Hello, reader. The following is meant to be…a homage to our week at the cottage. Obviously, I’m not going to write about everything that happened. That would be gruesomely boring. And I had to guestimate some of the conversations, because, well…drinking.

Before we begin, there’s one thing that needs explaining:

The Star Trek: The Next Generation Cottage Drinking Game

  • Data says “theoretically” or “in theory”: drink

  • Girl walks by in crazy-short Fleet-issued jumper (first season only): drink

  • Boobs!: drink

  • Michael Bay-inspired upward camera angle shot: drink

  • While on a planet, anyone does a rolling dive: drink

  • While on planet, anyone finds a chest-high wall, and hides behind it: drink

  • Bullshit sub-plot created so that away team must remain on-planet: complain

  • Unnecessary sexual tension: drink

  • Riker does something soulful: drink

  • Riker gets laid: drink

  • Riker has his shirt open, or completely off: drink

  • Picard has his shirt open, or completely off: drink

  • Picard whispers: drink

  • Picard loses his shit: drink

  • Picard punches a guy: finish your drink

  • A single line of dialogue fixes a huge problem: drink while sounding exasperated

  • Wesley solves a problem that none of the actual officers could, in under 5 minutes: drink

  • Picard (or any crew member) does the Picard shirt-fix: drink

  • An epic speech is delivered: drink

  • Whenever a crewmember says something which inspires you: drink, while shouting “I’ll drink to that!”

In those first three days, we watched a lot of Star Trek. This led to the renaming of the cottage:

  • Kitchen/Living Room: The Bridge
  • Bedrooms: Quarters
  • The Scary Cellar Under the Cottage Where the Beer Fridge Was: Engineering
  • The Lovely Secondary Dock Over-Looking the Lake: 10-Forward
  • The Main Dock: Shuttle Bay
  • The Screened-In Patio What Was Home to Many Spiders: Holodeck (as it was full of terror and whimsy)

And her players:

  • Tom: Riker (sexy, soulful, hirsute)
  • Julia: Worf (always mad, house full of weapons)
  • Patterson: Data (obvious)
  • Jette: Tasha Yar (due to leaving before other crewmembers)
  • Bryan: Q (evil, abuses power)
  • Soobrian: contested- first Guinan, then Barcley. Later gets redubbed Wesley.
  • Cynthia: Dr. Crusher (kinda gingery, takes care of people)

Day the First: In Which Star Wars Trivial Pursuit Destroys Friendships

We have agreed to never, ever discuss Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. Here is the one picture I took:

Figure 1: While R2D2 sits patiently, waiting to generate random numbers, Bryan clearly wants to smack Tom.

Day the Second: Having Recovered From Star Wars Trivial Pursuit, Our Heroes Rally

[On the way to Sharbot Lake, to stock up on supplies]

Bryan: Of COURSE I brought condoms.

Julia: I packed like a shit-load.

Patterson: Eh, I try to always have a few on hand.

[Ed. note: At this moment, Jette is driving his Porsche Cayenne Turbo on hilly gravel roads, at about 70km/h.]

Jette: Rally!

Tom: Why on earth would you bring condoms to the cottage?! There’s no one to sleep with!

Julia: You don’t know that.

Tom: I DO know that! Right now, it’s four guys and Julia.

Bryan: Whose basically a dude.

Julia: Totally.

Tom: So, again, WHY WOULD I HAVE PACKED CONDOMS.

Jette: Dude, who knows what we’ll find in Sharbot Lake. They must have girls there.

Tom: We are NOT going to pick up in Sharbot Lake.

Julia: Not with that attitude. I hereby forbid anyone from having sex with Tom for the remainder of the week!

Bryan: Agreed!

Patterson: Agreed.

Jette: <kicks his Porsche up to 110>

[At the Bridge, Julia isn’t drunk yet]

Jette: What the fuck! How are you not drunk yet?! You need to man up!

Julia: Eh, I’m not a dude.

Jette: Well, you need to start acting more scandalous!

Julia: What, like I should act like a floozy?

Jette: Yeah! You need to flooze up! Come on! You’re better than this!

[While in the lake, swimming at night]

Jette: It is completely possible to jump into the lake, with an open beer, and not get any water in your beer.

All: Bullshit! It can’t be done!

Jette: Look, I used to teach camp. I am going to jump in this lake, only go up to shoulders, and enjoy a delicious lake-free beer!

<Jette runs across Shuttle Bay, jumps in the lake, legs spread wide, like a floozy>

Jette: BOOM. Totally nailed it.

Bryan: You’re fucking hair is wet.

Julia: This is why Toronto will never get the Olympics.

[to be continued…]