Day the Third: In Which Everyone Cries Wolf

[Nightime. Julia is brushing her teeth in the bathroom] 

<SOUND OF DYING ANIMAL SCREAMS OH MY GOD>

Julia: <mouth full of toothpaste> Mwah!

<Bryan rushes in, excited>

Bryan: Julia! There’s a wolf!

Julia: <mouth full of toothpaste> Mla? Whm fem gwa?!!

Bryan: I’m getting my night knife! Ah! <runs out>

<Julia, nervous, wanders out of bathroom to the deck>

Jette: It’s a wolf! This is awesome! <howls> A—WOOOOO!!!

Patterson: <nonplussed> Meh. That isn’t a wolf.

Julia: <mouth full of toothpaste> Mff peh ra jer? <spits out toothpaste> That sounded like a monster was being strangled by another monster. Was it really a wolf? If it was, it sounded all kinds of fucked up.

Bryan: I have my knife!

Jette: AH-WOOOOO!!!

Patterson: <rolls eyes> Guys, there’s no wolves here.

Julia: Wait, so, you’ve been screaming at all the spiders up here, all day long, but there’s a wolf and you’re just like “whateves”?

Patterson: <sighs disappointedly> Julia, the spiders are a dark reality. There’s no wolves in these woods. I’m also not currently afraid of dying in a car crash or contracting an STI.

Bryan: Because, unlike Tom, he brought condoms! Boom!

Intermission: Rules Enacted During Rounds of Kings

Kings is a drinking game in which you draw cards which have associated challenges, that result in you/others having to drink alcohol.

Figure A: Jette takes Kings really seriously.

What makes Kings great are the Rules. When you draw a Jack, you get to decree a law which inhibits all players. Obviously, breaking the law means you drink.

The List of Laws Decreed Over Kings:

• It is forbidden to say the first or last names of any player

• It is forbidden to use your right arm, unless you are making a drink

• It is forbidden to stand, unless you are in the washroom, and the only witnesses are you and your living God

• It is forbidden to utter a sentence without swears or blasphemes

• It is forbidden to utter a sentence without also hand-talking

• While taking a drink, you must do an impression of Julia or Patterson

• You may only speak in an accent not your own

• You may only speak in a Cockney accent

• If Cynthia must drink, then all must drink

• When taking a drink, you must touch Tom’s leg and stare soulfully in his eyes

• Whenever any player must take a drink, then all must drink
  
  

Figure B: Kings is a proven method of bringing people together.

Day the Fourth: In Which Jette Absconds, But Is Replaced By Fresh Heroes

[Watching Jette drive away]

Julia: I can’t believe Jette left…

Bryan: I know…

Julia: …and took all the Star Trek DVDs with him…

[Cynthia and Soobrian show up]

Cynthia: Hi! Guys!

Julia: OhmygodCynthia! Don’t have sex with Tom!

Cynthia: <deeply surprised> ..I…I wasn’t…

Julia: Don’t! He didn’t bring condoms! No sex for him!

Cynthia: …why did YOU bring condoms to the cottage??

Julia: Because! You should ALWAYS have condoms! Girl Guides!

Bryan: Totally.

Patterson: Of course.

Julia: So, no matter what, you CANNOT sleep with Tom.

Cynthia: …I..yes? Okay?

Julia: IT IS FORBIDDEN!

Figure C: Bitch, I said no!

Intermission: Shit Patterson Said During the Week

<concerning Bryan’s hat> “Are we in a bakery? Because that shit is fucking fresh.”

<concerning the female menstrual cycle> “It’s like Eddy Veder said- some girls get really heavy ones, while some have more of an Even Flow.”

<concerning Soobrian enjoying the occasional Labatt Blue> “Is this like when pregnant women eat dirt?”

Figure D: Patterson: “That shit is the last thing a virgin sees while she’s still a virgin.”

Day the Fifth: Further Adventures in Animal Noises

[Noon, Julia remains half-asleep]

Bryan: Hey. Jackass. You missed pancakes.

Julia: What?! That’s bullshit!

Bryan: Yeah, no one wanted to wake you up. You’re like a mother-fucking bear. And everyone here has seen The Edge.

Julia: I’m not like a bear! I’m like a little cub! Just straight up chillin’.

Bryan: No fucking way. Cubs just dance around all day going “moo moo moo”. You’re a scary- ass bear.

Julia: …”moo” is not the sound that bear cubs make.

Bryan: Are you retarded? Of course cubs fucking “moo”.

[Tom is teaching Bryan how to roll a joint]

Tom: So, you hold it in like a vee shape and then…what’s that guy in Ghost?

Bryan: …Patrick Swayze?

Tom: Yeah! You should roll like that guy!

Bryan: …I should roll joints like I’m a dead guy feeling up a chick while she tries to make clay pots?

Tom: Yeah!

[Our heroes go for yet another night swim]

Tom: Fuck! We should have brought booze down here!

Cynthia: ! I’ll go! What do we want??

Tom: The bottle of Jack Daniels!

Cynthia: So, and glasses? And mix?

All: Just the bottle!!

Cynthia: …really? Are.. are you sure??

All: ARE WE NOT MEN!?

Julia: And shake that ass while you go! Woo!

Cynthia: <shakes that ass>

Bryan: Hey, you can’t talk about Cynthia like that in front of Soobrian.

Julia: What? Why?

Bryan: It’s …weird. He’s right there!

Soobrian: <waves>

Julia: That’s bullshit. I talk about how Soobrian is hot to Cynthia all the time. Why is it weird? And Cynthia IS hot. It’s not like Soobrian doesn’t know.

Soobrian: It’s true. I totally know.

[Later]

Julia: <points at Bryan> Jesus, check out fucking Triton over there. I’ve never seen someone swim towards a girl and offer her a frosty bottle of Jack. Bryan’s like a fucking bar-mer-man.

Figure E: What Soobrian didn’t know is that this same bottle of Jack would lead to WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY ABOUT SEX WITH TOM.