Back to dating:
Often perceived to be solely the concern of the two immediate parties; or three, or whatever. It’s 2010; welcome to the present.
Obviously, everyone asks for advice, opinions, tips, moves, words, restaurants, interpretations concerning their prospective mate, lay, or beard. There are, of course, professionals trained to aid you on your mission (relationship counselors) and of course ersatz professionals, (everyone’s mother). But these are people you only see occasionally, unless you live with your mother, a situation that has my full sympathy. Truly, the best course of action is to have a full-time dedicated relationship intern. Implemented properly, this self-regulating social stabilizer will easily and effectively help you escape the cold desert what is your loneliness.
Your intern obviously needs to have the following qualifications:
- be someone who knows you absurdly well, flaws and all
- has a sociopathic understanding of humanity,
- does not find you sexually interesting
- is willing to hold the honey and shove those hard truths,
- manic attention to detail
- able to keep your secrets safer than my virginity at the Bi-Annual Meet and Greet of the Rice Cultivators of Eastern Ontario (my virginity no longer exists, so it’s safe from harm. I assume it’s in Heaven.)
I know what you’re thinking, audience. “What? Who the hell would spend all the time? The 3:00 a.m. phone calls? The emergency coffee meetings? The Cyrano-style stakeouts? I’d basically need to pay this savant and I don’t have that kind of fat stacks just lying around, Julia, human.”
Sweet Angel Lucifer, audience. Have you no imagination? Obviously, you would repay your intern in trade, by providing them with the same degree of quality service you yourself desire and require. This helps to keep them honest, as any nefariousness on their part could be repaid in kind, as you would hold the keys to their sexual downfall. Who watches the watchman? The other watchmen, son. And obviously God; when he’s sure all the virginities are down for naps.
Audience, you are also forgetting how easy it is to quickly locate, brainstorm and solve the problems of other people. Notice how it’s so obvious to you the factors leading to the constant cyclical misery of those who surround you? And you just have so much sage advice to throw at them? And they never listen? Or they listen but never implement? Part of the internship contract will be the requirement that you follow at least 73% of advice offered, leaving 27% wiggle room for surprises, inclement weather and making those sweet, sweet terrible decisions that really make life worth living, like kissing your friend’s younger sister.
Why does she dress like that?
1. One, because she’s young.
2. To torture you.
3. Give in, lover.
-Julia out
